It’s that time of year again, when advertisers flex their creative muscles, competing against each other to create the most memorable Christmas advert. For the last few years, Aldi has scored big successes with its ‘Kevin the Carrot’ adverts (and, crucially, associated range of soft toys), winning ‘most memorable ad’ in 2019 and 2021.This year doesn’t appear to be any different, if the seventy-thousand-long virtual queue wanting to order a Kevin the Carrot toy is anything to go by.
And then I watched the ad itself. Based on the Home Alone movie, it’s perfectly inoffensive if you watch it with the sound turned off, which is definitely the best way to consume it. If you turn the sound on, however, you will hear the ‘poem’.
I use that word in the loosest possible sense, as the abomination gamely narrated over the visual feast feels like it was knocked up in five minutes on the back of a beer mat. It’s as if the ad execs blew all the budget (which is likely to have run into the millions, by the way) on the visuals and then realised the night before launch that they’d forgotten to do the script.
As someone who recognises how difficult it is to write rhyming children’s books, I can sympathise with the challenges of cadence, rhyme and meter. But I’m an amateur. I’d like to draw the jury’s attention to the multi-million-pound marketing budget and rest my case that this travesty of a poem is the result of sheer laziness, not an impossible challenge.
I made these points in a carefully reasoned and calmly delivered rant to my wife, before adding four ill-chosen words:
"I could do better."
To which the only correct response was duly delivered:
"Go on, then."
Damn.
So, I did. I gave myself half an hour, which included copying out the original from the advert. Said original, along with my alternative, are shown below. I’ll leave it up to you to judge which is better, and up to Aldi to decide if their millions were well-spent.
Christmas in Paris - by Aldi's advertising agency
Christmas in Paris,
A family vacation,
But wasn’t someone missing
From this festive celebration?
For this little carrot would spend
Christmas at home
But he often gets scared
When left all alone
Quaking in his roots,
He had to make a stand
And tackle the intruder
With traps he’d carefully planned
Then all of a sudden,
He had a bright idea
Which almost dashed his hopes
Of seeing in New Year
Fearing that his plans
Had left him quite exposed,
He made a hasty exit
To become a snowman’s… nose?
But even though Kevin
Was a little worse for wear
He was overjoyed
To have everybody there!
Christmas in Paris - by Pete Frederick
Christmas in Paris,
A family vacation,
But someone was missing
From this celebration
For one little carrot
Spent Christmas at home
And he often gets scared
If he’s left on his own
Roots all a-quiver,
He had to be brave
He’d intruders to trap
and a Christmas to save!
But Kevin then thought up
A shocking idea
Which threatened his hopes
Of a happy New Year
Caught ‘twixt intruders
And freezing cold snows,
He hid in a snowman,
Disguised as its…nose?
And even though Kevin
Was now worse for wear,
He was thrilled to his roots
To have everyone there!
Note: there were lots of potential meters to apply to this (the original cleverly uses several within the same line at times!), but I chose the first couplet, as I had to choose something. I've worked on beats (including beats between lines) rather than syllable counts.
Pete Frederick is not available for panto. Ever. But I am available to write poems for Christmas ads...